I’m entering in a new season of my life where I feel like I’m gaining a restart button. Finally, after years and years of being a single mom – I’m finally about to empty this nest.
My children now qualify for the work of adulting, and I’m just shy of 40 and have begun to consider the road ahead of me. As I sort through some of the bucket list items I’m ready to accomplish, I’ve made another really important decision – to become celibate.
I’m ready for the single ladies to clutch their pearls and ask if I’m okay. Trust me, yes I am.
The decision stems from a frustrating sense of self awareness. In and out of relationships and situation-ships, sometimes you lose yourself in the chase to become the girlfriend…or better yet the wife.
I’ve found myself so overly consumed with wanting to be chosen and wanting to be desired, that I admittedly compromised on some decisions for the sake of it all.
Now don’t get me wrong. This is not a story about a single woman who is ready to dry up the well because she has never fully been satisfied. If I’m honest with myself (and I guess anybody now reading this) I would say that I have had a very healthy sexual appetite. Given the reality that I’m a mother to 3, it’s safe to say that your girl is no virgin.
I’ve also been married and experienced the joy of being committed to my partner every night. And then there were those moments where a situation-ship was really just that. A situation. I don’t know what folks call it in 2017 – but back then it was a booty call and I knew what it was when I signed up (in my Drake voice).
And now even after all of that, I’m ready to begin a journey that will allow me to sign up for something else.
During an interview on the Breakfast Club, reality star Draya said that “her hoeness got deleted over time”. Mercy. My girlfriends and I judged that comment harshly for weeks.
I am not saying that I’m hoping that somehow this season of celibacy will be a deletion of all the sex I’ve had, but this is about turning over a new leaf and creating a new bed space that I can feel good about.
I am openly Christian. More than just attending church on a regular basis, I am a believer in the message against being out here “laying it low and spreading it wide” (shouts out to Ms. Evelyn Braxton). And even though I have been taught the ills of fornication all of my life, I want to go on record to say that my decision here is not exactly rooted in my fear of hell.
Please don’t tell my Pastor. Kidding.
I’m not condemning anyone to a life of sin if they do not choose this walk with me. This is about me deciding that I want to build something far greater than bed intimacy.
I read somewhere that every time a woman has sex with a man she gives him a piece of her energy. You know the whole “soul tie” thing.
I don’t know how much of that message I am buying, cause folks are out here wilding. No shade…but shade.
However, I want to find out if I can create a love that has nothing to do with the goodness of our sexual chemistry. This will force me to become so comfortable with myself as a woman that I am less concerned with how we will end the night, and more about what we will have to talk about in the silent moments.
My goal is to become so connected to my next partner that the level of our togetherness outweighs the win of a damn good orgasm. And even if I don’t find a partner willing to take this journey with me – I’m really low key worried that brothas are not about to entertain this – it will remain a promise to myself that I’m worth more with my clothes on than off.
Sex should be the dessert – not the main entrée.
My friends think that I have just ruined all chances of ever remarrying again. Dang.
But I would like to naively believe that they support my decision to do this for myself anyway. Instead of doing the same things and getting the same results, I want to focus on a new reward that I can celebrate at the end of the rainbow, so to speak.
Wish me luck.
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