A while back, I was head over heels for a man. I mean, planning our wedding and naming our kids in my head-type feelings.
Unfortunately, the feelings were not mutual and we became unacquainted.
I ran into him not too long ago and asked why he wasn’t interested in me. Instead of answering the question, he danced around it like Ali in the ring. But this conversation did reaffirm one of my strongest beliefs:
Closure is overrated.
It is human nature to want or feel we are deserving of answers when things do not go well or turn out as we would have hoped. But the cold honest truth is: closure is a pipe dream. Okay, let me change that and say this: closure from others is overrated and illusory.
We have to find closure for ourselves and more importantly, by ourselves.
Life never goes as planned. Break ups happen, friendships end, and sometimes people just get “ghost” with no further explanation. In these situations we feel that we need answers, especially if there are questions about what went wrong.
But sadly, you’ll never get them, because more often than not the person you seek the answers from doesn’t have them. Even if you get them to sit down for coffee or meet for dinner and ask them outright, the answer will never be satisfactory.
Seeking closure from someone else only adds insult to injury. We need to be able to find closure within ourselves. Here are three things to know:
1. This Isn’t the End of the World
Take a deep breath and do not internalize the failed relationship or disappointing situation. Everything is life doesn’t go as planned, and when it doesn’t, it’s okay to remember that failure is not final.
More importantly, it is not fatal.
2. Take Stock of the Situation
Do not beat yourself up, but if possible, learn a life lesson from it.
No disappointment is worthless if we can gain a lesson from – large or small.
Find peace within yourself. Mediate, pray, or do whatever welcomes peace and tranquility in your space. Personally, I pray and write. I pray for inner peace and write to center myself.
3. Accept that People Will Disappoint You
The harsh truth about life is: people will hurt and disappoint you. Even harsher is the reality that their hurtful actions often have no rhyme or reason and cannot be rationalized. It is futile to turn to seek closure from them.
It is imperative to know how to move on for and by yourself.
Life is about growth and often times our growth doesn’t come from our successes – but instead from our disappointments.
When you seek closure within yourself you make a graceful and dignified exit.
When you seek closure from others, you storm out only to realize you left your keys, have to go back to get them, and trip on your way out the door.
Originally published in 2016.
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