Looking back, I have found plenty of points in my life where I temporarily lost my mind. Ignored my good sense and the voice of the well-meaning and constructive advocate that lies deep within me.
Her voice can be so damn shy and sheepish. Often times, she offends me because she lacks that fire. She knows she is right but she is still just above a naggy whisper poking at me.
She definitely needs to work on her ways of persuasion.
Sometimes when it counts the most, she is no match for her free-spirited and eternally optimistic, hardheaded counterpart who resides in me as well.
So many things have come and gone because of my inclination to disregard my better sense and my inability to hear that shy voice of caution and concern inside. That is how God made me. It’s what he planted in me. It is what has pursued me.
I have the ability to say and do so many things, but my biggest challenge has been conquering myself, mastering my “she”…knowing my “her” and celebrating my muses.
I am 30 now, raising two cherished young boys and reflecting deeply on the choices I have made, and the faith I have had through it all. I was just telling my mother the other day, that I remember a time (before I had my kids) when I felt that I was free to do whatever I chose. The world was at my feet and I was standing there, looking over the horizon, ready to try anything.
Fresh, young, and 19, I was on the brink of falling in love…with myself.
Dance was a huge passion of mine and had been all my life.
I was a different person after a night at the Dance studio. It was my peace, my reboot, and my refresh button. The creative energy sent me on a high that was undeniable and filled me with life. It gets in the blood, runs through the veins, and makes you keep going even when your knees are weak and you feel faint.
The mind takes in the choreography, the choreography dissects the music, and ignites that creative muse inside you. In that moment. On that floor.
Nothing gave me greater joy than taking my thoughts and confusion, and leaving them on the red floor. I was constantly inspired. When a person beams from that much joy, it radiates and attracts others searching for that same glow that they have yet to find within themselves.
I learned there are those in the world who are not preparing for the same journey…who will chase your glow in order to derail you.
So many times, I gave freely of myself and built conditions that I had no idea would bind me to something toxic. My young girlish mind, led by the fearless optimist inside, had no idea what it would take to break loose.
She simply did not know.
There is something about the fearlessness of the young.
Since then, I have evolved. Learned the lessons that brought me down a few notches, but never to my knees.
I always went there voluntarily.
I prayed relentlessly for God to show me what He wanted me to know. The shy whisperer within me has felt the earthquakes of my heartbreaks, the storms of my disappointments, and the fire of my rage.
As I have mutated from a young girl to a young woman, young mother, and onward to a better woman who is grasping her balance, she and the hardheaded optimist have held tight to each other, surviving it all.
Now that my core has stopped shaking from the uncertainty and the smoke has cleared, I’m free and clear to walk my path and face my mirrors while dancing with my muses.
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