Hopelessness was always my comfort zone.
Blaming my personal issues on the environment in which I was raised was an easy out for me. Any horribly misguided choice that I made, was because I had seen it made first by someone I looked up to.
So I was okay, right?
Wrong! I was so wrong it ‘s not even funny.
My mind was infected. I kept behaving in the same manner as everyone around me, all the while desperately dreaming to be better. I found myself more and more frustrated, bitter, and confused every day.
Something had to change.
Though I was raised in the church for most of my childhood, the love of God was a foreign concept to me, and one that I’d never had a firm grasp on. I desperately needed answers, not only for my life, but for the lives of so many others whose realities were enthralled in misery.
I yearned for the wisdom and answers that only God could give, while realizing that the only way to learn from God was to be completely honest with Him.
Hiding behind this façade of a strong tough woman wouldn’t fool God.
I remember crying out, confessing that I’d started to question His existence. I begged for forgiveness of past sins. I asked for guidance and He almost immediately directed me to His Word. God was drawing me in before I even realized he had a hold on me.
I was skeptical, but my skepticism was no match for the exhaustion of fighting God and failing at life in the process.
I started reading the New Testament with little hope. By the time I made it to the Book of John, I was struggling with the whole “turn the other cheek” concept. But then something amazing happened. I made it to the John 8 and the book came to life. I was no longer reading the words while my mind drifted from one life issue to the next. No, not this time.
I knew on a subconscious level that this was truly the beginning of my journey.
I started to look for a new church home, one that was bible based with a more intimate congregation where I could really be fed on the Word, and closer to home. Wouldn’t you know that He answered “yes” to every single one of my requests? That’s what it means for God to draw nearer to you as you draw near to Him.
It’s amazing what a shift in perspective can do.
A new joy that I have never experienced before has been gifted to me.
Even when things don’t work out, I rest easy in the knowledge that everything will work out because God’s covering is all over me. Circumstances no longer break me down the way they used to, and I am no longer easily swayed by opinions.
How often do we turn to people, money, or careers in search of happiness; only to be left depressed and hopeless when the love isn’t returned?
I am still in the beginning of my journey and I’ve already stumbled multiple times.
The good news is, I now fall into the arms of a Savior who reproves with wisdom, restores with righteousness, and most comforting of all, forgives from a place of unconditional love.
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