My back had been hurting for a couple of days and I couldn’t quite figure out why. And, I’m not talking about a little achy from the 10-15 hour days that I spend standing, leaning, bending, and lifting while looking in to the beautiful faces of my clients.
No. This was the sit you down kind of pain. The Oh my God where are the meds kind of pain. The I can’t move kind of pain. One unlike any I had ever felt before and I wasn’t quite sure where it came from. To make matters worse, a spirit of depression began to seep into my body and I couldn’t shake it. I was walking around anxious about everything.
Trying to figure out why my house just couldn’t stay clean.
Or why my kids just weren’t listening to me.
Why my baby daddy wouldn’t leave me alone. And if that wasn’t enough, it seemed like my business was taking a downward turn.
I had all of this going on, and my back just wouldn’t stop killing me.
So I decided to spend a full day in the house trying to get things under control. You know…clean up, wash clothes, put some order back into my life. I needed to get my mind right if I had any chance of making it through this storm. But it wasn’t working. I still couldn’t shake the feelings.
I got mad at myself when I realized that I had inadvertently put something on my calendar for my “stay at home day” and I toyed with just flaking. I mean really, it was just another business workshop and networking event with people who wouldn’t place any value on the business that I have. To make things worse – I am a horrible at networking.
Stinking thinking had really taken over and I was losing the battle.
The event started at 5:30pm and of course I waited until 4:45 before I let the voice urging me to go win. I was supposed to be cleaning and figuring out how to save my business, and my back was still hurting.
I still went.
It started like all of the other workshops I had attended before. I saw a few people that I run into at every event. Small talk, not so good food and the event started late. The usual. Though the presenter was giving out great information, I was half listening; battling the sleepiness that had taken over my body. Why hadn’t I had just downloaded the information from the website instead of coming?
When the last presentation ended, I immediately began to pack up to leave. But no one else was moving. They wanted to ask questions and I felt kind of bad for being the only one wanting to make a b-line for the door. So I sat there and listened without really paying attention. Zoned out thinking about the fastest way to the door.
Then it happened.
I heard the presenter say, “In business there are going to be speed humps, bumps in the road, and road blocks. It is then that the CEO has to put their business on their back to get over, under, and around. Those are the businesses that succeed”.
I am always amazed when God shows up. Not because I don’t know that He is always there and has His hands in everything, but because He cares enough about me to intercede on my behalf. He knows exactly what to say and when to say to remind you that HE is God.
In that moment, the presenter had no clue that his statement was confirmation for me to stay on the road with my name on it.
He didn’t know that the speed humps he spoke about were marked by the truths that were holding me hostage. The truth that I sometimes don’t have a clue what I am doing. The truth that there is guilt when you have to choose between making dinner for your family and taking a client to make money to support them.
The truth that there never seems to be enough money to go around or about my feelings of inadequacy and shame. The feeling that I am inferior or maybe even a fraud.
And all of these “truths” were like those speed humps, slowing me down from moving forward… sometimes forcing me to pause as I figured out the right way to go. And still other times, when I got stuck riding over them causing me to slide backward requiring that I drum up more momentum to get me over.
As the tears welled in my eyes, I realized what God had done as a gift to me.
You see, instead of letting my business fall apart, He loved me enough to hoist it up on my back.
As the speed humps of fear, depression, and anxiety rose, He believed in me enough, not to carry the burden of my purpose for me, but to allow me to feel the growing pains required to get to the next level and move forward.
He placed my purpose on my back so that it had no chance of getting swallowed up in the potholes of despair or lost in the detours of insecurities. He knew that I would get over, under, and around and with my purpose on my back, it would too.
I realized in that moment how truly ordered my steps are, and how to listen to the voice that pushes me forward instead of the one that holds me hostage.
My back still hurts, but now instead of hunching over and cringing in pain, I straighten up, square my shoulders, and put a smile on my face. I now know that my purpose has my back. God himself put it there!
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