I never intended to withdraw from things that brought me joy and satisfaction. I mean, it was never a thought. I reacted.
In July 2013, something broke inside of me. The break was a shattering of my soul (will, feelings and intellect). A crushing of my spirit.
I weighed about 225 pounds before I received the text message from someone I loved and adored. He didn’t have the guts to tell me to my face that he had met someone, that they were engaged to be married… pray that he be a better friend, blah, blah, blah. I was at ground zero when the bomb dropped on me at work. I felt displaced and could feel every molecule in the atmosphere. Mind you, I received this text a few minutes before I went to court… so… let’s just say my mind was not in sync with my legal duties.
I was trying to hold back the tears while waiting for my case to be called in court.
I had no idea this news was going to shake my love for food, specifically sweets. I ate something sweet almost everyday and would work out. I enjoyed it. However, when I received the news my mind started to stray.
We went to the same church, and now I would have to see them, together.
She had kids and I was the youth pastor. Now I would have to be involved with their children too?
He was a minister and I was a minister. He would now have a wife to acknowledge every Sunday during service. I’d look like a dummy in the pulpit.
My heart was leaking and so was my appetite.
I had to force myself to eat. When I did, I would lose my appetite. Being who I am, I continued to exercise, but cried during my walks around the neighborhood. My stomach was in turmoil from crying every day.
I lost weight rapidly. My clothes got looser. My co-workers never saw me this way because I kept things on lock. Courthouse employees would stop me and ask, “You look good, what’s the secret?” I would smile and lie by omission. Tell them I was exercising, cutting out the sweets and eating in moderation. Classic lawyer talk for I’m dying on the inside from a broken heart and I can’t enjoy life’s pleasures anymore. I went from a size 20 to a size 14 in six months. My brother thought I was starving myself.
A girl loves to shop, right? Well, I had no choice.
When I did, the item would be baggy within weeks so it became expensive. Instead of suits, I would buy dresses and blazers. I really tried to think positive, but my situation was not getting better.
Ultimately, I had to leave my church where my late father served as a pastor. I grew up in that church. My family attended that church. I was active in ministry: youth, preaching, singing, teaching, you name it – I left it all behind.
I tucked tail and disappeared to heal. I left it all behind because I could not bear seeing her belly grow with his children. Agony!
I lost another good friend along this journey; she criticized me for leaving my church. My mother’s cat died and that hit me hard. Everything I held dear was abandoning me. Torture!
However, in the middle of my heart-wrenching experiences, I received so many compliments. “You look great.” “Keep up the good work.” They didn’t know my pain. God was trying to comfort me through these compliments.
I tried my best to embrace it. It was difficult.
I started going to the gym. Got a personal trainer. Yes, the kid had to go with the flow and re-invent herself. Only a few folks knew the real reason for my weight loss. My love for sweets was totally destroyed until I started getting therapy and slowly but surely, the joy of the snack cake returned.
After four years, the heartbreak body results are still evident.
I had to restructure my life, but it was to my benefit. The heartbreak pushed me into deeper waters, outside of my comfort zone, and now I’m expanding my territory.
It’s true – all things do work for good if you love the Lord. The diet did more than shed pounds. It allowed me to shed the old me, endure the process and embrace the new me in the making.
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